don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Randomize
