My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
