I wish I only lived at night.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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