Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's like God shit irony all over that family
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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