Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
