I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Please don't give away my fajitas
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
