Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
