Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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