Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
