Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize