Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
