she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
