that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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