how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
