I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
