If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
