and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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