I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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