just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
