the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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