I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
