at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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