I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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