you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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