I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
