How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
