Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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