i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
