when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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