Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
