woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
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Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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