So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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