I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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