Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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