when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
