So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
