I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
two words...techno handjob
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
