someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
