I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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