i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i think my cat just said my name.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
