omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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