Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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