Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
