just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
