he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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