Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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