I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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