Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
smell my finger.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
