you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
