Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
