Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
