Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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