Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
