i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
