My first STD was from a foam party
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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