just survived the first fart of the relationship.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
