Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
