Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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