You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
